Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Downs

So I'm going to explore some downs that I'm going through right now. I don't yet know how I feel about it, but I'm sure through writing it out I'll be able to figure out my feelings.

So for those who don't remember, my hubby is a bit overweight. Actually, he's only 5'5 and weighs about 180 lbs. Depending on the calculator you use, he might be obese. I don't think he looks obese, just looks a little "tubby". He's got the beer belly that looks kind pregnant. No man boobs or anything yet. But of course all the weight being in his belly is the most unhealthy right? He's gone through spurts where he feels fat and decides to lose weight. Of course it came of very easily for about 2 weeks but then he quit and went back to eating the way he used to and not working out and now it's all back.

The other day we were talking about SILs wedding and how I want to buy a dress for it. I said I wanted to lose another 5-10lbs by then and get a super hot dress. Hubby sort of was like "what? you want to lose ANOTHER 10 lbs? I'm planning on going out and buying another suit in a size up to hide my chub!" and I was like "No come on! The wedding is far enough away that you could easily lose enough weight to fit into your old suit." (not that I wanted him to not buy a new suit, but not to resign himself to being overweight).

Then the other day I was backing up the wedding videos and commented about how young looking and skinny hubby was back then. (he looks really different, especially for just 4 years) I didn't mean to be saying "because you look so fat now" but I guess that's how he heard it. Looking back I realized I should have been more sensitive about it, knowing how I was when I had all the extra weight on.

I am continually asking hubby if he wants to come with Daisy and I on a walk or run or just lift weights or something. the answer's always no, I don't push it because I know he works hard on his feet for 10 hours every day and just wants to relax. It's fine, but I like to offer.

So yesterday I got my Garmin in the mail (didn't get a chance to use it, it had to charge 3 hours! I read the manual and did no exercise). and was talking about it a bit, ("did you know it can time my intervals for me? Or map out my run and I can put markers everywhere? or I can set a pace and run against a virtual competetor?" etc) Just excited about my new toy. No biggie. Then when we were going to bed I told him about the race I signed up for on the weekend (forgot to until then) that's on July 1st. I meant to tell him so we could talk about what we were doing for the weekend before. But we didnt' get to it. Instead he called me arrogant.

He's learned a thing or two about fighting nicely over the years so he explained that the words he was using were not quite what he meant and it would sound worse and meaner than he intended. But here's what he said:

That I was getting sort of arrogant with this whole running thing.

I just about flipped out because for years and years (since we started dating, 10 years) he's been telling me to get a hobby and be more independant from him and when I finally do and get something that takes up my time and I like and am good at, he doesn't want me doing it.

Not what he meant. He was glad I liked running and found a hobby. But my attitude about it he thought was arrogant. Like I'm doing all this amazing stuff and he has nothing to compete with.

I said, why do you need to compete with me? Plus who said it was amazing? Hubby plays slow pitch and hockey and I run. But he said that I come across that all his hobbies aren't worth anything and I criticize him and tease him about stuff but my hobbies are great and I'm a pro. (we were watching a home movie of an improv play he'd done years ago and I made some comments about how the play was sooo long (4 hours!) because it was improv and the actors were just having fun, not telling a story or moving along. They knew where they had to be at the beginning and the end, but in between it was really drawn out. Whatever. I didn't criticize him exactly, but I suppose the whole group he was with. I still think he was really funny and did well, but I guess it was the medium. So I suppose that's like him thinking I'm great but thinking triathlons are dumb. ok, I would be able to handle it I know, but I keep forgetting hubby has always had self esteem issues growing up (he was in musicals and is 5'5, 'nuf said?). Almost all of his actions are calculated to make himself look good for somebody, either me, his boss, his friends whatever. I keep forgetting he doesn't handle criticism that well. (though I feel like we've been together long enough I shouldn't have to censor myself around him to save his feelings!)

So I guess if he was feeling sensitive about me criticizing him about his plays (though that's not what I was doing) and then go on to talk about my hobbies, as well as saying how he used to be so skinny and I lost all this weight through my hobby, it would be intimidating. (he also used that word). So I guess I understand his point of view. And I know I can always find a fault with everything. And I know I always think my way is the best (you guys haven't noticed have you?) ;)

BUT that being said, I do think my way is good here! I didn't mean anything about his plays, he does them I don't even try, therefore I can't say anything anyway right? He should listen to me about that. I don't like slowpitch or hockey, so I don't play, it's not because they're not valid sports and hobbies. But I'm not interested.

I am interested in fitness. I can't see a down side to it. It gives you more energy, keeps you healthy, makes you look good, makes you feel good. The same with eating healthy. I'm interested in all aspects of health since getting a high cholesterol diagnosis a year ago. I don't drink out of plastic bottles any more. I don't wash my clothes with bad chemicals any more. I use recycled paper towels. I've got a retirement savings plan and am trying to build a nest egg. I'm trying to just be good ya know? Of course I want everybody to do that, because I think it's the right thing. And in this case there is a right and wrong in my eyes.

So I do think hubby is wrong, walking around with a BMI of 30. I think he's wrong with his pop a day habit, and with all the beer he drinks. The same way I think he's wrong about driving home from the bar, even though he's only had a few, and how he wastes paper towels when he should use a rag. I think he's wrong when he throws money away in a VLT.

I know you can't be "good" all the time. And I can see how living with me would get irritating, with such a high standard to live up to of "good". I try not to nag about everything "bad" he does. I really am not much of a nagger (he'd agree). But I do think it would be good for him to lose weight.

I said something when we were talking yesterday about him being "overweight" is unhealthy. And he said "I'm not overweight" and I explained the whole BMI thing and how yes for his height, he does weigh too much. He brought up that maybe that's a good number for some pencil pusher behind a desk all day but for a guy with a physical job there's going to be more muscle. Well sure, but that's why there's a range of healthy weights, not just one.

that's sort of where it ended. I don't think he's going to try and lose weight. Even though it would be so easy for him I'm jealous. He'd have to cut back on pop and eat more fruit or veggies instead of chips. It would MELT off him. Like those success stories you read about people who stopped eating at McDonalds every day and lost 100 lbs. Well no kidding.

And if I'm being honest, I don't find him as attractive as he used to be. I am distracted a bit by his belly.

But guys are so funny huh? They'll stand in front of a mirror, suck their gut in and think how great they look.

Oh I should also say, his entire family and friends he hasn't seen in awhile all comment on how he's put on some pounds. It's not just me. but somehow I don't really think it's sunk into his head yet. He's happy just buying larger sized clothes and sucking it in in front of the mirror.

I guess I don't know what this post is about exactly. I want hubby to want to lose weight. I think it would be something awesome and healthy and even fun we could do together, cooking and exercising. We'd feel good about ourselves and look better and be healthier. Instead I'm doing all this alone, making it a little bit harder (we still have a fully stocked chip and cookie cupboard at all times folks). Plus, the fact that i'm doing this and he's not, is making him feel insecure and I think is starting to make him want me to stop. It's easy to be fat together huh? Harder to be overweight when your partner is skinny.

I know I can't make him want to lose weight. And if I did, he'd be doing it in a weird, "gotta do this or my wife will leave me" or because "she wants me to look good" sort of way. But I still want him to want to.

7 comments:

Sagan Morrow said...

I'm sorry to hear about this. It can be really frustrating. Even so, he's got to want to make the changes himself.

SeaBreeze said...

I went through this kind of thing in a previous relationship. You start working out and making positive changes and you don't push them on anyone else, but you find they resent it anyways. I'm sorry to hear that it's weighing on you. You have been making fantastic changes and deserve support. I am sure he will come around in due-course, but it is definetly something he needs to do for him. :\

Jen said...

Hm, I am not too sure what to say...more so because it seems like you were venting more than looking for answers...

I have similar issues with my husband (he is the "shy guy" HUGE self esteem issues) and I always seem to be pushing to be the "best he can be"...and I think he gets frustrated...but he doesn't realize when he is doing the same to me...sounds like you just hit a sore spot with your husband...I always try to put it to Danny (my husband) when I am talking about something I rock at and he kind of mumbles something, I try to boost his ego and say something like "yeah, well, I could NEVER do "this" as good as you can" or "well, you ROCK at "that" you can't be perfect at everything"...keeps his ego inflated I guess...I am telling the truth, just making sure that he knows he is awesome too!

Angie All The Way said...

Wow I can identify with this sooo much it's scarry. My FH is overweight (about 220) and he carries it all on his midsection like a beer belly. His eating habits suck and he won't eat veggies. I worry about him constantly. I constantly nag him about eating better, but I have never come out and said for him to lose weight. I always express it's my concern for his health because his father just died of colon cancer and it's a serious concern.

THe problem is that no one (not me when I was obese) can handle hearing that about themselves from someone else because they already know it inside and are still in denial. I was in denial so far it was shocking in retrospect. It's hurtful to hear those kinds of realities. And in your case, you are so gung go and kick ass that I can see how it could be intimidating for him. No guy wants to feel like they live in the shadow of their wife - regardless of how far we've come in gender equality.

It is SUCH a tough situation to be in - especially when you have two different ways of thinking and two different lifestyles, even if it's in the same house. Believe it or not, he IS inspired by you and I bet he secretly tries to be better when you're not looking. Most people are afraid to say it outloud for fear of failure. And maybe putting it out there when he's not ready is scarry?

Sara said...

Some of the things he said leads me to believe that he is jealous. The thing is that he knows he is overweight - it doesn't sound like he thinks he is not - but he is just not ready to accept it yet.

Think about when you struggled, when people pushed you about your weight you probably rebelled by eating. It takes an internal switch to come on to motivate him to change.

And think about it. His fear of failure must just insane, b/c not only is there the regular fear of failure but if he fails where you have succeeded so wonderfully that would be so tough to handle. Makes it almost not worth trying eh? So for him to do it something will just have to click, and chances are it will sometime.

Or if you want to speed up the process, talk to your family Dr., maybe he can use some scare tactics with the hubby!

Anyways, hope the venting helped you feel better!

eurydice said...

what angie and sara said makes so much sense: jealousy and denial.

but i truly believe that your healthy habits will rub off on him eventually... he just has to be ready to make a change for himself, which might take some time.

who is the one to do the grocery shopping? if it's you, can't you just not buy the crappy foods. most people i know are too lazy to go and get it themselves and if it's not there they just won't eat it. maybe that's wishful thinking though.

you should be allowed to boast about your hard core lifestyle if that's what is going on in your life. i am so focused on healthy living that sometimes i have to tell my brain that not everyone cares as much as me about it. although they should. which is why we bloggers can relate to each other.

MizFit said...

man are SO DIFFERENT than we, huh?

(ever watch king of queens?)

Ive been through similar...no insights as youre right--they have to come to it on their own.

sigh.

M.