Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The hubby

So I was feeling a bit blue after my post. When I spelled it all out, and imagined reading it not knowing hubby, I'd think he was sort of a jerk. yet I think I explained things fairly. Hmm... I don't really think he's a jerk. (Though sometimes....ask me when we're fighting!)

I just did a bit of reading over at Roni's Blog, since she's so great and covers everything I knew I'd find something on supportive/hindering husbands in her archieves. And I did, and here's the thoughts it lead me to.

While I completely validate the basement time thing, I think that's it's own issue and really has nothing to do with me teaching or not. Just his frustration that he has to do it, and I can't even help him (trust me! I'd try, but hubby and I are both too stubborn and it has to be our own way that we can't even put a chain back on a bicycle together!).

So aside from the basement thing, he's still sort of...nervous? unhappy? that I am going to do this. I think he would be happier if I was fat and lazy. I think he would be happier if my evenings consisted of vegging on the couch with a bag of chips. If I were "fun".

I think that makes complete sense. Don't we all want to just shake your prissy, goody-2-shoes friend and make her drink tequila shots with you? Isn't it more fun to go out for dessert with a girlfriend and co-miserate over cheesecake and swear that we'll eat better starting tomorrow? Don't we love a good celebrity fall off the wagon story?

Here's a story I heard, I might mess it up. If you put a whole bunch of rats in a barrel together, they will die in there. If one rat climbs up a little bit on top of some others, they are capable of building a pyramid and reaching the top, heck, they could probably dig in with their nasty little claws and just climb out. But if one rat sees another climbing to the top, they'll bite his tail and pull him back down with the rest of the rats. If any starts to get ahead, they're pulled back the rest, sealing their fate to all die in the barrel.

Interesting huh?

I think human nature is the same as rat nature in a way. It's hard to see others get "ahead" of you. Even though it has nothing to do with you. I'm glad my mom instilled a different attitude in me. Back when I was a kid, like all kids, I wanted everything fair. If my little brother got a bigger allowance than I got when I was his age, I was up in arms! However, as my mom pointed out, I still got my fair share, what does it matter if he got more or less? Him getting more money, did not mean that I got less. Same thing with birthday presents, or bedtimes or a million other things kids need to be "fair" about. So while I do still get that tinge of unfair! now, I at least can step back from it and see how it doesn't matter.

Same line of thinking, if I get in great shape and get more money and all this stuff, it doesn't mean hubby gets fatter or makes less money. He still has to finish the basement whether I teach or not ya know? I realize I'm a huge hypocrite as I freaked out when SIL started getting skinnier than me. However, I think I handled it well, by just motivating myself to do more about me, not trick her into eating fudge. (well mostly right?)

I can tell you for a fact, my MIL did a heck of a lot of things "wrong" raising her kids (wrong in my opinion of course). She couldn't really help it, she modelled them after herself (I can't help it if my mom rocks and she's got problems!) ;) She's a very superficial person, very bratty, gossipy, needs things "fair" to the 10th degree. It's helpful to remember that's hubby's mother when there's there's things I don't like about him. Understand things better.

Anyway, I guess like in all things, you can't really change a person, they have to change themselves. So I can't make hubby just accept that I'm going to climb up a little bit and that he is free to still do whatever he wants. I'm not pushing him down, he's free to climb or not climb as he choses.

Do you guys think I've hit the mark there? Are there other things going on? Is there something I can do to help hubby feel more at ease? Did your mother do a good job raising you?

1 comment:

Jen said...

that's really interesting about the rats (and I think I have heard something very similar before)...I struggle with competing with people...I always have to remind myself that "this" (ANYTHING) is not a competition and to be happy for them, but it isn't always my immediate reaction.

I think my mom raised me as best as she could (as best as she was taught) but that I learned a lot on my husband and I were raised VERY differently and it will be a bit of a struggle when we have kids to see whose style we lean towards...

I hope your husband realizes that it isn't a competition between you two either...if you are earning extra money and having fun then you are only helping your isn't about just him and what he wants...I am sure he will see it!!