Friday, June 13, 2008

back to drama

I thought it was over! well it mostly is, but the recap isn't done yet. Seriously, feel free to skip this post, it's really not thought out well.

So last night hubby and I had a fight. Even though it wasn't a mean fight, I guess I mean a discussion. Of course I bawled because I always bawl. I've accepted this, hubby has too. But we talked about how I'm not quite happy with him and just what is he screwing up and what can he do about it. As in he's not giving me quite what I need and that's making me be more needy than either of us like. So I tried to explain that I needed attention. Yes it sounds bratty and annoying but it's true. Not like a little kid needs attention to be the center of attention. But I need that when I talk to him, he looks at me and doesn't ignore me and doesn't just go "huh" every 10 seconds. I told him that I need 2 hours a week where he has to focus on me. Most of the time he's multi tasking and the other task comes before even listening to me. We never talk, even about our days, only if we have to complain about something or made plans involving the other person. He doesn't know what I do at work. And no I don't expect him to care about the projects really because he didn't go into this line of work, but it would be nice if he cared just because I cared.

He countered with, well what about monday, we had "date night" and watched pretty woman. Well sure, he counts "date night" and quality time as basically not doing what he wanted to be doing (various "work" sort of things, like work in the garage, yard work, chore type things that he thinks he can finish one day and then give me time but doesn't realize that these things are like dishes, there's always more to do.) I said yes, that was a date night, but because we didn't connect at all. As in we were basically just in the same room, went back to doing our own thing on commercials, didn't really speak at all and there was a slight tension between us because hubby was in that little depression funk at the time. So to me it was unsatisfying as quality time and didn't charge my 2 hour/week requirement.

I understand how it was difficult for him to understand this, it's tough to explain now. But it was really weird, during our "fight" I felt better. he was focused on me, talking to me, thinking about what I was saying. I was getting my "attention" so I already feel better. I even told him that. And it also went into the sex thing (TMI I KNOW!) but I always want to have sex more and I think it's because when we're doing that, it's attention. It's quality time. It's not just being in the same room, there's nothing else on his mind. He's not multi-tasking me in to his day.

I know he loves me, and does things for me in his way. He's taking care of the yard for me. He takes care of the vehicles for me. He works hard at work to get money for me. He builds a shelf I asked for me. etc etc. He's explained it before that all the things he does can be traced back to how he does them for me because he loves me. And things like buying me presents or even just little things like an iced cap when he's getting one (and he always buys me candy, but I've tried to explain that is not for me because it makes me unhappy since I'm trying to lose weight here). I get that's his way so that's great. But I don't care if the lawn gets cut really, I'd sooner have him not ignore me when I try and talk to him.

Easier to explain as if it were a parent child thing. Like the dad is so busy building a play house for the kid he doesn't play with him, when the kid really just wants to play catch with his dad, not have a play house. Even though the dad is doing it for the kid, and showing in his way he cares, it doesn't really mean much to the kid.

It's been the main problem in our whole 10 year relationship. We used to fight a lot more, huge screaming fights. Hubby was sort of explosive. But then he went on antidepressants and we rarely argue any more. But those arguments also lead to some good moments. After an hour of screaming, we'd settle down and try and fix the problem, appologize, make up, make out, whatever. Now nothing is ever a big enough issue for us to "fight" so things just stew. And if I try and just bring something up, hubby either doesn't have time to talk and blows me off or starts getting really upset and I realize that the issue isn't worth a fight. But there are a lot of small issue things ya know.

I should have started this post dear diary. This really isn't regular blog fodder (or fotter?). And I wonder if I make a bigger deal out of this through my blog than it would be other wise. I hate dwelling on the negative. But that's how we got where we are. I'm too quick to forgive when things bother me so they just keep happening.


Any advice you give has to be kept in the light of this: hubby has obsessive compulsive disorder. It makes everything "normal" harder for him. I always say "we" have OCD. Because it makes things harder for me too. Part of that is all this "work" he has to do. Like he took a trailer full of garbage to the dump yesterday. To me and you, this would have taken the hour it took and that's it. But he says it was a really busy week with a lot on his mind and so he didn't really have time for me this week. I asked why and he listed: working 11 hour days (valid), planning to go home (OCD thing, this doesn't take time for"normal people"), getting ready to go to the dump (OCD thing, this really only took 1 hour, but it probably chewed up 3 hours of his week, planning it and who knows what else his mind makes him do), ball game (valid) and dealing with the neighbour who called the cops (invalid, didn't need "dealing" with. Nor did he actually do anything, but it was on his mind and that makes him feel busy). If he's thinking about something, like planning on going home and planning on going to the dump and this neighbour, then it feels like he's busy and stressed out and has no time. Even when these things don't take up any time. Just being on his mind makes other things take up more time. Of course I don't understand it, I dont' have OCD. And of course it frustrates me. I do cut him a lot of slack for a lot of things, but once in a while it boils over and annoys me.

The antidepressants he's on help his OCD. So he's able to throw things away (he's a packrat b/c of OCD). So some of his "work" is going throw boxes and throwing stuff way that's really old. Like he still has Columbia House flyers from when he was in high school because he couldn't throw them away then. We've got a disaster of a basement full of these things. He is slightly ahead of his weekly accumulations (that is, the paper he's throwing out, is slightly more than the new papers and stuff he's accumulating.) So that's why I say this will never be "done" for him and then he'll have time for me. But because it's going so well with his pills, it means he wants to devote more time to it and getting it "done" and therefore takes more time away from me.

We're a mess.

This is making it sound really bad though and it isn't. Hubby's got his OCD so much more under control than it used to be. And really my personality is the type that can deal with it. but it just seems like there's always 1 more thing I need from him.

Like I said, this post seems random since I do feel better after "connecting" last night. Unfortunately I think hubby feels worse since he didn't really feel like there was anything wrong before. But he has given me more hugs and kisses and snuggles just this morning and more I love you's and stuff. We're always our best after a fight. We need to get there without a fight though.

Boo this post. I'll post a good one later, doesn't feel like it should be in with this one.


thenewsarahsundae said...

I may not have the answers , but I am here if you need anything. I've been married for nearly 8 years and we love each other and are great now, but we did separate for 6 months a few years ago so I know it's hard when you're not happy. That is why I left for a bit.

I can relate to the pack rat thing. My husband doesn't through out a thing.


Jen said...

no need to "boo" yourself!! This is your blog, and you have every right to vent!!!

I saw the post above saying you got the love Language book because it definitely sounds like he doesn't get what YOU need as well...My husband is the same way in which he doesn't understand QUALITY time...I want us to interact, not just sit together side by side doing something else...

I have a bit of OCD like your husband does, and sometimes I wonder why I don't drive Danny crazy...I am a compulsive list maker and I plan EVERYTHING and then I get stressed because I don't "go with the flow" well...I can totally understand that would be a hard thing to deal with!!!

I am going to go read your OTHER posts now!!! I really hope that you guys figure it all out!!! It's tough because it takes TWO, he has to put in JUST as much effort as you do!!