Wednesday, June 11, 2008

haha - carolyn's comment reminded me of something. (she said she's the type who finds it hard to forgive, the grudge holding type. Which is also like my hubby, maybe that's why I like her, opposites attract?)

Anyway, even though hubby is very masculine and macho in many ways, he's also the woman of our relationship. He's in the construction industry and drinks beer and hunts and carries pocket knives and has a whole workshop in the garage and loves big trucks and all this tough guy stuff right? But he's the one who holds grudges, who makes the plans for us, who I have to check in with to see if we can do something. Guys in the office here joke that their wives are the bosses ya know? Like they have to see what the boss says before going for a beer. Or they have to ask permission before buying golf clubs or whatever. We're the opposite. Hubby just buys shit and does shit. I ask permission (though he doesn't care anyway). He gets his way 90% of the time. He'll bring up arguments and grudges from years ago. I don't even remember exactly why we fought yesterday.

He gets it from his mother. Well his dad too. It is ridiculous how much we all turn into our parents. RIDICULOUS! My parents have never fought. They'll discuss things, but they realize nothing was ever a big enough deal for them to get upset about. My MIL has gone for a week without speaking to FIL, over something dumb like he's always working and late for supper. And worse than that, she complains to her kids about it and makes them take sides. I just don't understand gossip in a FAMILY.

I remember growing up and something being "not fair" and my brother got cake or a longer turn or whatever and mom being like "so? how does that even affect you? it's him, you still got yours." And I remember numerous times when my mom pointed out how getting even does nothing and is the most pitiful, mean thing you can do. Obviously MIL did not instill the same lessons in hubby. (OH, so I can blame HER! always looking for another tick against a MIL aren't we?)


Angie All The Way said...

I love that your parents had such an awesome approach to raising you guys in such a positive easy going way. That is likely the reason why you don't make things into a "big deal" when other people would. I think your mom's message was right on the money and I hope that I am able to use that logic with my kids. FH and I will likely butt heads all the time in that area. But I believe that yes, you are indeed a product of how you were raised but that doesn't mean you can't recognize where things maybe aren't the best way to approach things and improve the approach. That's what being grown up is all about. Maybe you're right and hubby still has some growing up to do.

CaRoLyN said...

Aww You like me! :)

Your parents certainly did have a great perspective when raising you. I think a lot of who we are comes from our parents and how they raised us. Unfortunately, I have found lately that I am exactly like my mother, despite all efforts to prevent this from ever happening! And when hubby and I fight, it seems liek we are even more like our parents. I'm emotional and confrontation and Scott likes to hear both sides, then walk away and contemplate the problems and solutions. As you can imagine, this drives me INSANE! I end up chasing him around the house just trying to get him going, because I like to get it all out and fight it out in the moment, which isn't always a good thing because you end up saying stuff you don't necessarily mean.

But just like you guys, hubby and I are soo different in a lot of ways. There have been times when I think the differences would mean that eventually we'd be so different that it would not work in the long run. But I guess you always have that little voice in the back of your head (or heart?) that no matter what happens between the two of you, it will eventually work out because you would rather be fighting and mad with your hubby than even think about being with anyone else.

There have been times though when I have had my bags packed, but could never seem to walk through the door. And even now sometimes there are times when I think that hubby is just too immature for kids even though he's 28! But I trust that he will settle down when we have children and I know for sure, without a doubt that he will be the best father in the entire world.

Here's where I get corny. I read this book last year and it was recommended to me from my SIL. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. At first I thought it was pretty cheezy but as I read it, I saw a lot of truth in it and it honestly felt like a little light was turned on in our marriage. After reading the book, I started to understand our marriage so much better. I started to see what Scott was looking for in our marriage and how I could communicate better with him. The book is all about communication and how to be supportive and show affection towards your spouse. And how to do it in a way that your spouse will appreciate. I know what youre thinking, this is one of those Dr. Phil type know-it-all mumbo jumbo books on how to have the perfect marriage. But it's really not. It really is a great book and I think everyone who has read it, has improved their marriage in some way because of it.

I would certainly recommend it, to even the happiest couple in the world. Because really, who couldn't stand to improve their communication skills? Especially with your spouse right?

I think I just wrote my own novel. Sorry for the rambling.

Jen said...

*laughs* sorry, I had does sound like your hubby is the "wife" (I am so like that in a lot of ways!!!)

It IS crazy how much we turn into our fact I fight with it EVERY single parents are divorced and I am a Daddy's mom is horribly insecure, holds grudges and fights for no reason, while my dad is laid back and doesn't really get his back up without good reason...
I am RIGHT in much so that Danny might think I am bipolar or something!! I am my dad about 3 weeks out of the month...but the week before my period...LOOK OUT! I am exactly like my mother!!! Danny just has to tell me that and I snap out of it!!!

It sounds like you have had some amazing role models!!!! The tough part of getting married so young is that you kind of get in an "awkward" phase...where one of you is growing and the other isn't...but it always seems to even out!!! I like to think of them as "growing pains"

(and as I was scrolling down there I saw that Carolyn mentioned the love languages book!!! That was included in our pre-marital counseling - we had to do it as a requirement of the church, best thing we EVER did! - anyway, I LOVE that book and I COMPLETELY agree with and my husband are completely different types, but I will adhere to his because I know it's what he needs and vice versa...only sometimes he doesn't adhere to mine because I am a "tokens of affection" mixed with a little "quality time")