foolin'

Am I fooling myself? Of course I know what happened (well I am suprised it happened overnight). I have been doing sucky ass on my eating. I have been eating processed foods, eating menthol cough drops constantly, eating more than usual, exercising less than usual. Duh i'd see a gain on the scale.

There IS something going on with me right now. I'm craving a binge. Some people crave chocolate or something right? And the advice is to just have a little bit of it and not deny yourself and you'll satisfy your craving and it will go away. Well what if your craving is stuffing your face? That's always my craving. Feels like it's some sort of weird psychological thing like I was neglected as a child and have to fill a void. If it is something like that, then I don't know what it is. It's deep, not ready to deal with it yet obviously. ;)

When I was a kid and would get to buy a "treat" for $1. I'd buy chips almost every time over chocolate bars (in fact I probably have bought a chocolate bar for myself less than 20 times in my life) just because you get more with chips and a chocolate bar is so small and gone instantly.

I love eating pudding and just taking giant spoonfuls, at the end when you're scraping the bowl it just is so unsatisfying.

So lately I've been wanting to pig out. I neglected to mention the kettlecorn popcorn I ate last night. (it's called like uncle ted or something, it's only like 100 calories for 3 cups of carmel popcorn.) but because it's "not too bad" I don't really keep track of it and just eat out of the bag and time flies. It did not satisfy my craving.

I'm scared for this long weekend. I do have a good plan for the turkey and veggie trays for snacks. But I'm sure there are going to be opportunities for pigging out. That's not the plan at all though.

I think it's because I haven't let myself have a cheat in so long. I HAVE cheated, but it wasn't "allowed", so it really was cheating I guess. AND they weren't really big things. But I've been doing little bad things probably daily for weeks, hindering my progress, but not letting me feel like I could deserve a planned cheat.

I am now planning a cheat at the gift opening after the wedding (the food is better than the wedding - plus I'm not wearing that tight dress any more!) so a week from sunday. Maybe if I know I can eat whatever I want - no guilt - for just that day, I'll be able to put off any cravings until then.

Something else weird is happening. I'm not caring any more. I do still want to lose weight and inches etc. But I've lost the link between eating and exercising and losing weight. I think because I'm still basically the same size/weight as a year ago. So all this exercising and eating well hasn't done anything yet. So it's like that's not the answer or something. I dont' know what's going on. But I just feel like eating whatever I want. (still within the healthy umbrella and I still don't want to add too many carbs into my supper or anything.) Actually it's mostly candies and sweets. AND it's probably mostly because they're around. So I think I've gotta have a talk with hubby about leaving all his candy corn and real fruit gummies and halloween chocolate bars around. I'm eating them more than he is!

Talking things out is so helpful isn't it? 2 messed up eating "feelings" have just been solved - a planned cheat in a week and out of sight out of mind.

Thanks guys, that was really helpful. ;)